We're gonna party like it's 5775!
OK, it's actually a week past New Year, but.......
Rosh Hashana, the Jewish New Year, was last week and tonight we observed the arrival of Yom Kippur. Now I'm not about to delve into the deep significance of Yom Kippur, especially since I'm not actually Jewish, but I did see this as a catylist for kicking myself back into existence on my blog.
My poor, neglected blog has been a real trooper, waiting patiently for me to acknowledge it's existence, and not complaining about or showing resentment towards the "other blogs" in my life, even though I spend copious amounts of time at those blogs while my own sits at home being ignored. I am a cad, aren't I?
I am far behind right now in the game of life in general, not just in blogging. There are so many aspects of my life that I am behind in that blogging has had to take a back seat to some of them which are much more critical to our family's well-being. Today being a holiday, however, and a holiday that is dedicated to reflection in particular, I will try to renew my relationship with my own blog, and possibly catch some people who stop by occasionally up on the reasons they have not seen anything new on my blog since August.
Ah, August. The month my behindedness :) really escalated. I tend to stay behind in most aspects of my life anyway. So much so that I feel I could never make a decent pitcher. Besides the fact that I'm over the hill, out of shape, and never could pitch worth a damn anyway, there's the fact that a pitcher should always get ahead of the batter. A pitcher who works "behind in the count" consistently will never get too far. That's me, behind in the count. But in August, things took a nasty turn which was of course made worse by the fact that I was already in my usual "behind" state.
So there are legitimate reasons for my absence at my blogsite. Among them would be following:
Working kind of backwards -
8 - It IS High Holy Days season. This is first on the list because it's the LEAST of the reasons I am so far behind. I did miss a day of work last week, and will not work tomorrow as I will be at Temple all day, but this simply added to an already severe tardiness. It did not cause it. And of course, you could say "well you're not REALLY Jewish, so why hurt yourself to participate?" Well, that's another story. Suffice to say I consider myself a part of the Jewish community and will continue to honor their traditiions and principals, and may even join that community "officially" one day.
7 - The baseball season is in full playoff mode - so there are games almost every night, and I watch the games while chatting with my friends at Joy of Sox, the "other blog". Fortunately, the Sox won the ALDS Monday night, so I will not be missing a game tonight while at service.
Yeah!
6 - Cathy's car is on the blink and if she needs to get anywhere, it's pretty much up to me to take her. She calls on her friends a lot during the day, but in the evening it is, and should be, on me. I in no way, shape, or form have enough money to get her a new one right now, although I'm working feverishly toward that goal. She has actually taken matters into her own hands and has started on on-line fund-raising effort, which I will get into shortly.
5 - Fall Ball is also in full swing, meaning practices or games 2 or 3 nights of every week, field prep work and games on Saturdays, and stat keeping some evenings.
4 - My son, the idiot, has gotten himself in trouble with the law and is "doing time". He has had problems in the past with substance abuse. He had gotten himself straight after his son was born and seemed to be getting more and more on the right path after his wife left him AND the baby, making him the primary parent. But he fell off the wagon a while back, got caught, (which was probably the best thing that could have happened), and because of prior offenses is now the guest of our state for 6 - 8 months. This means I'm working by myself instead of having a helper, and it means a lot of extra time caring for the grandson as well. The "working by myself" part has turned out to be a good thing from a financial standpoint. I had already started leaving him at home on days when I didn't absolutely need him. However it does mean each job takes longer, and since the jobs are really picking up, I am getting behind on the jobs as well as everywhere else.
3 - I have gotten incredibly behind on paperwork for my business, both billing, which you kind of have to do if you want people to pay you, and taxes for last year, which have to get done soon to avoid penalties and also so Cathy can reapply for her Medicare benefits. After the fall LL season got going, there were nights when I would come home at 8:30 or 9 and sit at the computer until after midnight with 4 or 5 screens open, not an easy thing on my antique, overworked hard drive. I was doing bills or taxes, watching the Sox on Gameday, checking out comments on JoS and occasionally jumping in with one of my own, and listening to music on I-tunes, not to mention checking and replying to e-mails.
2 - The pile-up of paperwork is also related to a sudden upswing in business. More billing to do, less time to do it in. After sitting and watching the paint dry an awful lot of the summer, when there were fewer other things going on, the phone is now ringing off the hook. Which is a good thing, but......sheez! It doesn't help to have all this business if people get pissed about waiting too long and call someone else. Fortunately I have some VERY loyal customers, and the ones I've added recently came to me because of very strong recommendations from my loyal regulars and they seem to be willing to wait. But for how long......
1 - To kick off this whole mess, the biggest contributor to my "state of behindedness" was the loss of just about the entire month of August, business wise, baseball wise, and paperwork wise, to an extended stay at the hospital with Cat. We'll start there.
Around the 1st of August, Cat started having a lot of trouble breathing. She went in for an X-ray and they found an effusion (hope I'm spelling that right), a build up of fluid around the lung. They performed a procedure on a Friday to drain it off, an out-patient process that wasn't bad at all. But by Monday she was just as bad as before so she went in for a follow-up X-ray. She went to the Imaging Center first, then was to take the X-ray over to her doctor's office. As luck would have it, she came out of the Imaging Center and had a flat tire. I, of course, was about 40 minutes away on a job. Sounds like a TV sit-com episode, doesn't it? I told her I would head that direction but she said to wait and let her try to find someone closer. When she called back 30 minutes later she had WALKED to the Dr's office. It was only a half a mile or so, but seriously - she's already having trouble breathing, she couldn't walk across the yard without gasping for breath, and on top of that it's freaking August!
The next call, about 30 minutes later, was to tell me it had indeed gotten worse, not better, and she was being admitted. So now I did pack up and leave the job and head straight to the hospital. The next morning more X-rays showed the effusion was getting progressively worse. They said they would put in a drain tube, leave it in a few days, then perform a procedure which involved blowing talcum powder through the same tube into the cavity to irritate the lining around the lung. This was supposed to cause the lining to swell, essentially closing the cavity so there would be no place for fluid to congregate. We'd be home in a week at most.
Nice plan. Easy, right?
Yeah right.
First they didn't put the tube in until Thursday. She was sent down to have it put in on Tuesday, but the radiologist disagreed with Cat's oncologist (cancer doctor) and the pulmonologist (lung doctor) and sent her back without doing it, saying there was not enough fluid to warrant the procedure. Would he have said that if we had insurance? Who knows, but I have to wonder. By the next afternoon the fluid build-up was so bad her pulse-ox (never mind) was getting low so they ordered the tube in again. This time radiology went ahead and did it.
Then it took several days longer than they anticipated for the fluid to drain enough to do the talc powder process. Thoracentesis, I think it was called. I think a lot of the problems that followed were because the fluid never did drain enough to do it properly, but they did it anyway. I'm not 100% sure about the days, but I think it was Wednesday (over a week in) when they tried the talc powder.
It never had a chance.
By thursday night she was in excruciating pain, so they pumped her full of the serious stuff, morphine, etc., and put the tube back in to start the whole process over again. By now the drugs were beginning to seriously affect her. She was getting very anxious, and couldn't sleep at all. I stayed there practically every night, and hardly left during the day either. She would drift off to sleep, never very soundly, and would wake up after only a short time in a state of near-panic. I hated to think of her waking up alone in that state of mind, so I rarely left unless someone else was there to fill in for me. This meant sleeping on the old fold-out chair in the room, not exactly a deep, restful sleep, especially with a nurse popping in every so often. I would get people to come up during the day, at least some days, so I could go try to get a little bit of work done and generate a little income. But even on those days, what with going home to let the poor dog out a while, change into work clothes and get the van, I got very few hours of actual charged out time on a job.
The first weekend she was in an old friend from her high school days came up from Rock Hill, SC and stayed overnight Friday and Saturday. That allowed me to get in a whole day of work on Saturday and also to get the grandson for the night and sleep in my own bed for the first time in a week. There is a great story about how she and Cat reunited that I recounted in brief on JoS because it actually involved that site. But this is already a lengthy post so I'll come back to that another time.
The second weekend I got relief again, this time from another old friend who, strangely enough, we had literally just reacquaited with the day before she went in the hospital. Ran into her at a mutual friend's cookout, not even knowing it was a mutual friend. Hadn't seen her or talked to her in years. Talk about devine providence! But Sunday night things got a little ugly. She was feeling better physically but awoke from a nap with a room full of people there and had no clue what she was doing there or how long she had been there. She was completely panicked and it took a while for me to realize this was not just a case of waking up groggy and getting yourself oriented in a few minutes. After we tried to fill in all the details, she still didn't remember, and was very upset that I was leaving to go somewhere with a friend, not aware that she herself had insisted that I do so just to get a break while her friend was there to stay with her. Eventually I got her somewhat comforted and got her to think back. She remembered going to the doctor's office and learning she was going to be admitted, but she never did remember anything after her arrival at the hospital. With prodding she finally did remember that her friend from SC had been there, but had no recall of when, how long, what they did, or that she had stayed overnight. Since then small parts of those 2 weeks have come back, but not much.
After over 2 1/2 weeks they tried the ..thoracentesis?... again, on a Thursday I believe. This time it worked better although they still kept her a few more days to watch her progress, given the problems with the first attempt. We finally got to return home on the next Tuesday. A day more than 3 full weeks! We had spent practically the entire month of August in that hospital. I was SO glad to get home! The problem is that we are now having to adjust to a new set of parameters. The procedure helped, but it did not get rid of all the fluid, nor did the damage done repair itself. They may have resolved that particular crisis, but the effusion is still there, and will remain there. Cat cannot do nearly as much activity as she could before without getting very short of breath, practically gasping for air. And she was already fairly limited in what she could do before.
She has had to resume chemo treatments, since the assumption is that the effusion is related to an increase in tumor activity, and the marker numbers they use to track these things bear that out. We are hopeful that the chemo will reduce the effect the tumor growth is having and will help her breathing capacity. We can only wait and see. In the meantime she is more frustrated than ever with her limitations. She wants nothing more than to spend time with our grandson, raising him in his father's absence, and to pursue her love of all things crafts, particularly her beading. And she does those things, but has to do them in short doses. That's not so bad with the beads, but as anyone who has raised kids knows, there is no such thing as short doses with a 5-year-old! That's a full time job.
So now I'm going back and changing the title to "part 1", because this is all I can do for this night, not to mention it is already excessively long. I have wanted to get this story down ever since we got home, but you can check out the aforementioned list to see why I haven't. The hospital stay itself compounded all the other things that normally get in the way of my blogging. There is also the undeniable fact that the whole experience was completely overwhelming, and very scary. We've known she has stage 4 cancer now for almost 4 years. But there's always been the defense mechanism of "well, at least we know we've still got several years together to go". This was the first time I had a sense of foreboding, a worry that perhaps my wife of over 30 years now would not be with me much longer. That's a very uncomfortable thought and I guess maybe it took me quite a while to decide I could talk about it. Then, when I did, all those other things on that list kicked in, and it got put off for way too long.
I am now, however, back in the wonderful land of denial. My Fall Little League team has finally won a couple of games, after getting trounced our first 4 times out, and the Red Sox are on their way to the AL Championship Series against Tampa Bay, hopefully just a stop on the way to another World Series! The Tarheel football team is 4-1, something that they haven't been able to say in quite a few years. For the first time in a long time I'm not singing the familiar "wait until basketball season" song. The year 5769 has begun, and tonight I sang in the Temple Choir for the evening Yom Kippur service. I will be back there again tomorrow morning, missing another day of work and getting even further behind, but it's worth it. I said earlier that I'm not actually a Jew. I should have said I'm not technically a Jew, because actually, I believe I am a Jew. I will address all of this and more, soon, very soon, as soon as I'm just a liitle bit less behind, in parts 2 - ?.
Until then - Happy New Year, and Go Red Sox Go!!
Showing posts with label Health. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Health. Show all posts
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Health and Jesus, er um God, er um Whoever, er um Whatever
OK, this is going to be a long one. But mainly because it's 2, yes 2, 2 posts in one. Wait, that was a mint gum thing wasn't it?
I ventured onto Cathy's blog tonight, something I have only done once before. I don't know why, it just seems kind of private, and I don't want her holding back because she's afraid I'll read something she doesn't want me to.
Tonight however I'm writing in the hospital room where we have lived now for the past 2 weeks. We have been on a roller coaster ride since we got here, with several instances of uncertainty and fear about what might be happening and it seemed okay to see if she had been writing anything lately. I'll get back to our adventures in Hospital Land soon, but that's not what got me writing tonight
It turns out that the last time she had written was over a month ago, and she was relating some thoughts she had experienced with regard to me and the rest of the family and how we would still be here and would get by after she is gone. Not the kind of thing you want to dwell on constantly, but certainly a normal line of thought given her prognosis. There was 1 comment to her post, from an anonymous writer. This person thought Cathy was thinking too much, and about the wrong things. That Cathy should find Jesus and her life would be better.
I posted the following comment -
Interesting, the idea that changing the way you refer to God can somehow make your illness go away. If God decides to invoke a miracle, which is incredibly unlikely, he will do it regardless of what name you call him by. I'm absolutely positive that if you look at the instances of "miraculous recoveries" you would find equal numbers of beneficiaries from all walks of faith, and probably some from people with no faith. Although I really question how many people truly have NO faith. I think most that claim that just don't have a name for their belief, so they don't acknowledge that it exists. And I did say most, not all.
God has made a lot of lives better through Jesus. He's also made a lot of lives better through other avenues. I tend to give him credit for making possible all the good things that go on in our world. It seems unlikely to me that if good things happen to someone who hasn't "found" Jesus, someone besides God must be responsible. I certainly don't consider the undisputed fact that sometimes bad things happen to Christians to be proof that God doesn't like Christianity.
And as for thinking about the right things - I do think one can dwell on the negative aspects of life too much. But the truth is we all have thought at one time or another about life after we have gone, and how the people and the world we know will react to our departure. At least I have, and I think it creeps in there a little more often as we age. So if one knows that one's life is, in all likelihood, not going to be as long as one would hope, it seems only natural that you would think these thoughts even more often. And the best way to get past them is to voice them so you can move on to better thoughts, instead of suppressing them and have them stay under the surface, always there.
Then again, what do I know?
Maybe I think too much as well.
OK, so that's a long comment. But I really wanted to say so much more. I condensed almost every aspect of what I was saying as I wrote that. I didn't mention that if one gives God credit for all the good stuff, you kind of have to give him credit for the bad as well. Oh, I know, there's the old Satan thing you can lay that off on, but seriously now. Are you going to tell me you believe there's another God out there as powerful as "your" God, which he would have to be if he can make things happen that God doesn't want to happen. No, I kind of think that God created all these wondrous possibilities, and that he created a perfectly balanced universe, meaning that the wondrous possibilities automatically necessitate some not so wondrous possibilities.
And another thing. I used the old "he" term for God. It's just easier and flows better if you use either he or she instead of placing the word God, or G*d, or Adonai, or whatever, in a single sentence 3 or 4 times. Maybe I should have used "she" to make a point, I often do, but it seemed a little combative, which I was not trying to be. The thing is, I don't visualize God as a "he" or a "she" or even as a carbon based life form at all. I don't buy the whole "made us in his image" thing. To give God physical characteristics seems actually a little condescending to me.
And that is also why I can't buy the Christian philosophy of "believe that Jesus is my Son or you will rot in Hell". Forget the argument about whether he is or isn't. That's another post entirely.
But if he is, I still wouldn't assign the VERY human trait of vanity to God. And that's what that philosophy sounds like me. "Do it my way or suffer eternally". Doesn't even sound "Christian." Sounds "Bushian", maybe, but that's another post as well. Sounds angry, hateful, arrogant, and vengeful. All of which seem like very human characteristics. None of which sound like the God I commune with. Of course I have a rather eccentric view of God, one that I will not delve into right now. Suffice to say that it encompasses a lot of beliefs and science as well. I do consider myself to be part of the Jewish community, but one reason I do so is that Judaism allows me space to have my own beliefs without ostracizing me or condemning me for thinking for myself and developing my own unique relationship with God.
Then again, maybe I just think too much
I ventured onto Cathy's blog tonight, something I have only done once before. I don't know why, it just seems kind of private, and I don't want her holding back because she's afraid I'll read something she doesn't want me to.
Tonight however I'm writing in the hospital room where we have lived now for the past 2 weeks. We have been on a roller coaster ride since we got here, with several instances of uncertainty and fear about what might be happening and it seemed okay to see if she had been writing anything lately. I'll get back to our adventures in Hospital Land soon, but that's not what got me writing tonight
It turns out that the last time she had written was over a month ago, and she was relating some thoughts she had experienced with regard to me and the rest of the family and how we would still be here and would get by after she is gone. Not the kind of thing you want to dwell on constantly, but certainly a normal line of thought given her prognosis. There was 1 comment to her post, from an anonymous writer. This person thought Cathy was thinking too much, and about the wrong things. That Cathy should find Jesus and her life would be better.
I posted the following comment -
Interesting, the idea that changing the way you refer to God can somehow make your illness go away. If God decides to invoke a miracle, which is incredibly unlikely, he will do it regardless of what name you call him by. I'm absolutely positive that if you look at the instances of "miraculous recoveries" you would find equal numbers of beneficiaries from all walks of faith, and probably some from people with no faith. Although I really question how many people truly have NO faith. I think most that claim that just don't have a name for their belief, so they don't acknowledge that it exists. And I did say most, not all.
God has made a lot of lives better through Jesus. He's also made a lot of lives better through other avenues. I tend to give him credit for making possible all the good things that go on in our world. It seems unlikely to me that if good things happen to someone who hasn't "found" Jesus, someone besides God must be responsible. I certainly don't consider the undisputed fact that sometimes bad things happen to Christians to be proof that God doesn't like Christianity.
And as for thinking about the right things - I do think one can dwell on the negative aspects of life too much. But the truth is we all have thought at one time or another about life after we have gone, and how the people and the world we know will react to our departure. At least I have, and I think it creeps in there a little more often as we age. So if one knows that one's life is, in all likelihood, not going to be as long as one would hope, it seems only natural that you would think these thoughts even more often. And the best way to get past them is to voice them so you can move on to better thoughts, instead of suppressing them and have them stay under the surface, always there.
Then again, what do I know?
Maybe I think too much as well.
OK, so that's a long comment. But I really wanted to say so much more. I condensed almost every aspect of what I was saying as I wrote that. I didn't mention that if one gives God credit for all the good stuff, you kind of have to give him credit for the bad as well. Oh, I know, there's the old Satan thing you can lay that off on, but seriously now. Are you going to tell me you believe there's another God out there as powerful as "your" God, which he would have to be if he can make things happen that God doesn't want to happen. No, I kind of think that God created all these wondrous possibilities, and that he created a perfectly balanced universe, meaning that the wondrous possibilities automatically necessitate some not so wondrous possibilities.
And another thing. I used the old "he" term for God. It's just easier and flows better if you use either he or she instead of placing the word God, or G*d, or Adonai, or whatever, in a single sentence 3 or 4 times. Maybe I should have used "she" to make a point, I often do, but it seemed a little combative, which I was not trying to be. The thing is, I don't visualize God as a "he" or a "she" or even as a carbon based life form at all. I don't buy the whole "made us in his image" thing. To give God physical characteristics seems actually a little condescending to me.
And that is also why I can't buy the Christian philosophy of "believe that Jesus is my Son or you will rot in Hell". Forget the argument about whether he is or isn't. That's another post entirely.
But if he is, I still wouldn't assign the VERY human trait of vanity to God. And that's what that philosophy sounds like me. "Do it my way or suffer eternally". Doesn't even sound "Christian." Sounds "Bushian", maybe, but that's another post as well. Sounds angry, hateful, arrogant, and vengeful. All of which seem like very human characteristics. None of which sound like the God I commune with. Of course I have a rather eccentric view of God, one that I will not delve into right now. Suffice to say that it encompasses a lot of beliefs and science as well. I do consider myself to be part of the Jewish community, but one reason I do so is that Judaism allows me space to have my own beliefs without ostracizing me or condemning me for thinking for myself and developing my own unique relationship with God.
Then again, maybe I just think too much
Friday, May 30, 2008
Second Opinions
Hard to believe it's been 3 weeks, almost 4, since I last wrote. Work has actually picked up finally and I'm way behind, which is really a good thing since the first few months of this year were so slow we almost went belly-up. And of course Little League has been consuming almost every non-working moment. What little time that leaves I have tried to devote to Cathy, "the baseball widow", as she refers to herself. When I do sit down at the computer to write, I've been trying to catch up my Little League team's website. It's a very cool thing, which I love doing for the kids, but it is time consuming. There's a link here somewhere, on the right side I think.
Cathy spent the last 2 days in Durham (NC, not Conn) at Duke University seeing the doctor who was her oncologist when she was first diagnosed as having cancer. Our friend Chris took her down there and they stayed with a couple who are his "other" best friends. Chris is our closest friend. He lost his father this past January, after losing his mother a few months earlier. I wrote about his father in a January post entitled "Getting Old". Chris stays with this couple who live near Durham quite a bit, though not as much now that he's retired and not travelling all over the state all week. Seems backwards, doesn't it? We know them ourselves, through Chris, and have been to their place a few times in the past, but this is the first time either of us have been to their new home. It's on a lake, and very nice, I understand. When the doctor asked Cathy to stay another day for some more tests, Chris just said "hey, I get to go fishing another day". He's the best.
The real story is that Cathy is seeking answers to her questions about her treatment. The doctor she sees now uses a test that tracks "cancer markers" in the cells. I'm not medically literate, but essentially it measures a particular chemical level in the body which will tend to rise when cancerous cells are present. Apparently it gives you very early warning about these cells, but some believe it gives TOO early of a warning. Doctors such as the woman Cathy saw at Duke believe these markers only show the possibility of cancer, not necessarily the presence. Therefore, in their opinion, one could be getting treatment for a non-existent condition, treatment that is extremely destructive to one's quality of life. She believes in treatment only when a biopsy shows a definite cancer presence.
The other side is that we deeply respect the doctor she is seeing now at Forsyth Memorial's Cancer Center. He is a long-time Little League acquaintance. That alone, of course, is not reason enough to trust him with one's life, but we've known him long enough to know that he's a straight shooter, he's completely honest with us, and he's very in tune with the cutting edge of cancer treatment. He believes the markers he tracks are very reliable indicators of tumor growth, or at least of impending tumor growth, and by treating when those numbers go up he is running interference on the spread of the disease. Stopping it before it gets started.
That is a wonderful thought, never let the damn thing get going and you can live indefinitely, right? But the truth is chemo is hard. Cathy has no energy while she's on it, and until the staff infection forced them to remove her portacath, she was getting chemo almost constantly. After several straight months of treatment the numbers would get down to a level that our Dr. was OK with. She would get a break just for a few weeks, then the numbers would start to rise and she was right back at it. It's been weeks now since she's had treatment, and she's feeling better than she has in a very long time. The garden is looking better than it has in several years. I'm doing most of the heavy work there, but she's out there directing me, showing what to plant where, telling me what's a weed and what I'd better not touch, pulling weeds herself, spreading mulch, stuff she hasn't done in a very long time.
So it seems to all come back to the "quality of life" question. But now there's indication from her former doctor, whom she trusts very much and really, really likes, that maybe the treatments aren't even necessary at this point. Maybe we're not gaining any time together by constantly going through the hardship of chemo. Maybe we can go on as normal until we see a definitive tumor presence in a biopsy and then treat it and still have just as much time. Two doctors, two different views. Who can know? How does a simple lay-person decide?
Of course, Cathy is no simple lay-person. She is an RN, and was in oncology when she worked at the hospital. She also spent a few years working with Hospice, which gave her even more experience with cancer, from a different perspective. So she is on-line a lot, looking up reports, reading up on new medicines and treatments, and checking out the medicines they are giving her already. This has proved very valuable a few times as she has caught symptons she was having and tied them to one of her meds.
Eventually she will make her own decision and I will support it regardless of what she decides. I do feel like we are going through this together, but the truth is there is no way I can feel what she is feeling, physically or mentally, and while I certainly can help her talk it out if she wants, I think this is one decision that she has the only vote on.
Kinda like our president, I guess. :)
Cathy spent the last 2 days in Durham (NC, not Conn) at Duke University seeing the doctor who was her oncologist when she was first diagnosed as having cancer. Our friend Chris took her down there and they stayed with a couple who are his "other" best friends. Chris is our closest friend. He lost his father this past January, after losing his mother a few months earlier. I wrote about his father in a January post entitled "Getting Old". Chris stays with this couple who live near Durham quite a bit, though not as much now that he's retired and not travelling all over the state all week. Seems backwards, doesn't it? We know them ourselves, through Chris, and have been to their place a few times in the past, but this is the first time either of us have been to their new home. It's on a lake, and very nice, I understand. When the doctor asked Cathy to stay another day for some more tests, Chris just said "hey, I get to go fishing another day". He's the best.
The real story is that Cathy is seeking answers to her questions about her treatment. The doctor she sees now uses a test that tracks "cancer markers" in the cells. I'm not medically literate, but essentially it measures a particular chemical level in the body which will tend to rise when cancerous cells are present. Apparently it gives you very early warning about these cells, but some believe it gives TOO early of a warning. Doctors such as the woman Cathy saw at Duke believe these markers only show the possibility of cancer, not necessarily the presence. Therefore, in their opinion, one could be getting treatment for a non-existent condition, treatment that is extremely destructive to one's quality of life. She believes in treatment only when a biopsy shows a definite cancer presence.
The other side is that we deeply respect the doctor she is seeing now at Forsyth Memorial's Cancer Center. He is a long-time Little League acquaintance. That alone, of course, is not reason enough to trust him with one's life, but we've known him long enough to know that he's a straight shooter, he's completely honest with us, and he's very in tune with the cutting edge of cancer treatment. He believes the markers he tracks are very reliable indicators of tumor growth, or at least of impending tumor growth, and by treating when those numbers go up he is running interference on the spread of the disease. Stopping it before it gets started.
That is a wonderful thought, never let the damn thing get going and you can live indefinitely, right? But the truth is chemo is hard. Cathy has no energy while she's on it, and until the staff infection forced them to remove her portacath, she was getting chemo almost constantly. After several straight months of treatment the numbers would get down to a level that our Dr. was OK with. She would get a break just for a few weeks, then the numbers would start to rise and she was right back at it. It's been weeks now since she's had treatment, and she's feeling better than she has in a very long time. The garden is looking better than it has in several years. I'm doing most of the heavy work there, but she's out there directing me, showing what to plant where, telling me what's a weed and what I'd better not touch, pulling weeds herself, spreading mulch, stuff she hasn't done in a very long time.
So it seems to all come back to the "quality of life" question. But now there's indication from her former doctor, whom she trusts very much and really, really likes, that maybe the treatments aren't even necessary at this point. Maybe we're not gaining any time together by constantly going through the hardship of chemo. Maybe we can go on as normal until we see a definitive tumor presence in a biopsy and then treat it and still have just as much time. Two doctors, two different views. Who can know? How does a simple lay-person decide?
Of course, Cathy is no simple lay-person. She is an RN, and was in oncology when she worked at the hospital. She also spent a few years working with Hospice, which gave her even more experience with cancer, from a different perspective. So she is on-line a lot, looking up reports, reading up on new medicines and treatments, and checking out the medicines they are giving her already. This has proved very valuable a few times as she has caught symptons she was having and tied them to one of her meds.
Eventually she will make her own decision and I will support it regardless of what she decides. I do feel like we are going through this together, but the truth is there is no way I can feel what she is feeling, physically or mentally, and while I certainly can help her talk it out if she wants, I think this is one decision that she has the only vote on.
Kinda like our president, I guess. :)
Monday, May 5, 2008
Behind (Not A Sex Story)
I finally got to bring Cathy home this past Wednesday. Since I'm not camped out at the hospital any more I really thought I would be able to catch up on some serious writing and stuff. I've been catching up all right, but not here. The paperwork for my business is still way behind, and I'm trying to get my LL website up to date for the kids. All of this while trying to catch up on jobs, undo 3 weeks of neglect in my yard, help Cathy in her garden some, and then having games or practices 3 nights a week and spending most of the day Saturday at the park. I thought I would get some time Sunday as I was through at the field by noon, but the kids threw a late birthday get-together for me since I was at the hospital last week when it would have been.
I'm not complaining about that, though, it was great. My older son helped out getting the house and yard ready. My youngest brought Buffalo wings from Ronni's, a local legend. My baby sister brought a great homemade banana pudding and her 2 absolutely precious daughters. They are both Chinese, she adopted them on her own, and if you're at all familiar with that process you know what she went through and how determined she had to be to make that happen. My daughter brought my #1 granddaughter, Haley, which is all she needed to bring to make my day. Unfortunately, Gage, the 5-year-old grandson, pretty much confiscated her from the moment she arrived, as he usually does. He worships the ground she walks on, and that's OK. Haley is my softball player now, since her older sister seems to have gone more "girl". She's the #1 shortstop on her team and the #3 hitter. Not bad, eh?
My folks were there, and my younger brother with his daughter, who has become quite the young artist. Actually she's always been quite the artist, but she's getting more and more refined. My brother's wife had the coldest card - a picture of a scale on the front labeled "Age-O-Meter" with the captions "dirt" on one pan and "you" on the other. Inside it just said "Too close to call". Hilaaaaaaaarious (in my most smart-aleck voice). I LMAO, in today's terms.
Along with 3 of my closest friends, who are pretty much family anyway, it was a very nice time. Very relaxed, not as stressful as a lot of family events seem to be. We actually drank some in front of my parents! That doesn't happen very often, Dad is a teetotaller and we all respect that. He was raised in alcoholic environment and it makes him uncormfortable, but we all were very circumspect in our intake levels and no one got sloshed. I don't think anyone even got a good buzz actually, but it was great kid and Dad friendly fun.
I had invited 2 other friends, a gay couple who we are very close to. Lesbians, actually - doesn't it seem like "gay" always implies male, and why is that? Anyway, I really wish they had made it. I worry that they may have been relunctant because they've heard me talk about how conservative most of my family is. They said it was because they had been celebrating their 23rd anniversary for 2 solid days and were practically immobilized, and I know this was that weekend for them. So I hope that was all it was, because I would never want them to feel uncomfortable or unwelcome.
All right, there's one update out of the way.
Soon I'll get to the LL team.
Oh and..... TYLER"S STAYING!!!!
Later
I'm not complaining about that, though, it was great. My older son helped out getting the house and yard ready. My youngest brought Buffalo wings from Ronni's, a local legend. My baby sister brought a great homemade banana pudding and her 2 absolutely precious daughters. They are both Chinese, she adopted them on her own, and if you're at all familiar with that process you know what she went through and how determined she had to be to make that happen. My daughter brought my #1 granddaughter, Haley, which is all she needed to bring to make my day. Unfortunately, Gage, the 5-year-old grandson, pretty much confiscated her from the moment she arrived, as he usually does. He worships the ground she walks on, and that's OK. Haley is my softball player now, since her older sister seems to have gone more "girl". She's the #1 shortstop on her team and the #3 hitter. Not bad, eh?
My folks were there, and my younger brother with his daughter, who has become quite the young artist. Actually she's always been quite the artist, but she's getting more and more refined. My brother's wife had the coldest card - a picture of a scale on the front labeled "Age-O-Meter" with the captions "dirt" on one pan and "you" on the other. Inside it just said "Too close to call". Hilaaaaaaaarious (in my most smart-aleck voice). I LMAO, in today's terms.
Along with 3 of my closest friends, who are pretty much family anyway, it was a very nice time. Very relaxed, not as stressful as a lot of family events seem to be. We actually drank some in front of my parents! That doesn't happen very often, Dad is a teetotaller and we all respect that. He was raised in alcoholic environment and it makes him uncormfortable, but we all were very circumspect in our intake levels and no one got sloshed. I don't think anyone even got a good buzz actually, but it was great kid and Dad friendly fun.
I had invited 2 other friends, a gay couple who we are very close to. Lesbians, actually - doesn't it seem like "gay" always implies male, and why is that? Anyway, I really wish they had made it. I worry that they may have been relunctant because they've heard me talk about how conservative most of my family is. They said it was because they had been celebrating their 23rd anniversary for 2 solid days and were practically immobilized, and I know this was that weekend for them. So I hope that was all it was, because I would never want them to feel uncomfortable or unwelcome.
All right, there's one update out of the way.
Soon I'll get to the LL team.
Oh and..... TYLER"S STAYING!!!!
Later
Thursday, April 24, 2008
Update - Health
The wife's battle against the infection that popped up last week will continue for a while, it looks like. The official diagnosis is mersa - staff infection.
She is definitely recovering, the temps spike at a little lower level every day, but they still spike, and she will not get to come home until all signs of fever and infection are gone completely.
This most likely means another full week in the hospital. So posting on this blog, my Little League website, and my favorite game-time Red Sox site (Joy of Sox) will be very sparse.
I could really spend an entire day doing nothing but catching up my LL website and writing here about the recent events in our lives. But work calls, so just a quick overview -
My LL team has won 2 in a row after starting out 0 - 3. I'm very proud. Maybe I had nothing to do with it, you never know. Maybe it was just their time, but I felt very good about the talk and insights I gave them after that 3rd loss, and the way we approached practice that night. Whether it made the difference or not, they responded with an entirely different attitude and performance the next game and I'll just go ahead and pat myself on the back :)
Oh and today is a birthday for me. Not sure which one. I know it's 40-something, it has to be, but I just can't remember which 40-number comes after 49, so I'm calling it 49B.
She is definitely recovering, the temps spike at a little lower level every day, but they still spike, and she will not get to come home until all signs of fever and infection are gone completely.
This most likely means another full week in the hospital. So posting on this blog, my Little League website, and my favorite game-time Red Sox site (Joy of Sox) will be very sparse.
I could really spend an entire day doing nothing but catching up my LL website and writing here about the recent events in our lives. But work calls, so just a quick overview -
My LL team has won 2 in a row after starting out 0 - 3. I'm very proud. Maybe I had nothing to do with it, you never know. Maybe it was just their time, but I felt very good about the talk and insights I gave them after that 3rd loss, and the way we approached practice that night. Whether it made the difference or not, they responded with an entirely different attitude and performance the next game and I'll just go ahead and pat myself on the back :)
Oh and today is a birthday for me. Not sure which one. I know it's 40-something, it has to be, but I just can't remember which 40-number comes after 49, so I'm calling it 49B.
Sunday, April 20, 2008
Cancer Rears It's Ugly Head
Just a quick post today.
Mrs. SoSock is back in the hospital.
Her portacatheter ( the implanted device that they use to run the chemotherapy drugs) has become infected and she was running fevers of 102 - 104 and delirious Friday night. They've been running IV antibiotics since then.
The infection seems to have subsided, at least enough for them to feel safe opening her up and removing the port. She is still feverish, but not nearly as severely as before.
All in all she seems to be out of the danger zone, although she'll most likely be in several more days.
I'm running like a chicken with my head cut off right now, but I'll post a more complete story later.
Oh, very quickly - on a more positive note. The Rockies finally got their first win of the season yesterday. That would be the WSNLL Jr. Division Rockies. My Little League team. Finally!
I'll fill in details later. It was much needed!
Mrs. SoSock is back in the hospital.
Her portacatheter ( the implanted device that they use to run the chemotherapy drugs) has become infected and she was running fevers of 102 - 104 and delirious Friday night. They've been running IV antibiotics since then.
The infection seems to have subsided, at least enough for them to feel safe opening her up and removing the port. She is still feverish, but not nearly as severely as before.
All in all she seems to be out of the danger zone, although she'll most likely be in several more days.
I'm running like a chicken with my head cut off right now, but I'll post a more complete story later.
Oh, very quickly - on a more positive note. The Rockies finally got their first win of the season yesterday. That would be the WSNLL Jr. Division Rockies. My Little League team. Finally!
I'll fill in details later. It was much needed!
Friday, April 11, 2008
A Blue Week
The mourning period continues.
Carolina's loss in the national semifinals was absolutely devestating, and I'm still trying to get over it. Not just because they lost, but because of the way they lost. Fortunately, baseball is in full swing and I have been so distracted by all that entails that I have very little time to think about it.
When I do, it's very disheartening. It's like I wrote a while back about the Patriots' loss in the Super Bowl - the worst part is that this team had an incredible season and their performance in that game is all that will be remembered. They fought through the loss of Frasier, the #2 point guard, for the season. Then they fought through losing the #1 point guard for a big chunk of the conference schedule. They beat Duke at Cameron. They swept through the ACC tournament. They manufactured several of their trademark comebacks during the year, including one for the ages against Clemson. They even made one of the biggest comebacks in tournament history against the Jayhawks last weekend, but couldn't sustain it. They just never quit, which I believe is a testament to Roy Williams and the character of the teams he puts together.
I never have figured out what went wrong that night. Roy puts all of the blame on himself, of course. Says he didn't have the team prepared and focused. They definitely were not prepared and focused, but I doubt that Roy Williams left anything undone that would have prevented this. The team apparently was just a little too pressured. It seemed as though they were so intent on winning it all that the thought of not doing so scared them, and that fear forced them out of their game. They were playing not-to-lose, instead of playing to win.
As a fan, it really hurts because these seasons don't come very often. We've been fortunate enough to have gotten very close several times lately, and did win it all in 05. The fact is, however, it takes a few breaks and a ton of talent to even be in contention for a national title, and when you get so close you always have that thought there - "How long before we get this shot again?" Some people say "well at least you're not like UCLA, 3 Final Fours in a row, and not even an appearance in the title game, much less a title". Maybe they're right. I tend to say that I'm just thrilled when we get to the Final Four, and an appearance there is a victory in itself, and UCLA should be damn proud of getting there 3 straight times. But 3 straight losses in the semi-final would be very discouraging. That really must feel like a wasted opportunity, even more so than the Heels' futility this year. So I will say it once more - it's something I spent entire decades saying as a Red Sox fan - Next Year!!
I just hope Tyler comes back.
And Now For Something Completely Different -
I mentioned last post that there was health news. It wasn't that much. Just that the wife's chemo was postponed till Monday and this was after her usual week off that comes every 4th week. This all added up to about 11 days with no chemo and she was feeling very well for a change. We bought flowers Sunday. Whether they will get planted before they die is another question, but I'm glad she was postive enough to get them and believe she would be able to get them in the ground. I really should plant them myself, for her, and will if I can ever get a break from all of the pre-season crap around the Little League complex that didn't get done pre-season because of the weather. Now I'm having to deal with it all around the games being played and it really slows the whole process down.
We also went out to dinner with a couple that I do some work for. They are very interesting people, both doctors, very intelligent, and just good company. This may not seem like a subject to bother writing about, but when you're going through chemo, any day she feels well enough to get out and DO something is an event.
We had been planning this dinner for the past 3 Wednesdays but every week that would turn out to be a day that Cathy just wasn't up to it physically. I also imagine the posponements were influenced a little by her not feeling real sure about this meeting. She didn't know them as well as I do, and she doesn't seem to enjoy meeting new people as much as before the cancer. I'm sure the fact that they are both doctors and neither of us even went to college was a little intimidating as well. The long break from chemo, however, seemed to allow her to get to a point where she felt like she could be good company, so we went for it this week. She really enjoyed herself, as I was sure she would, and connected very well with them. The woman has a very rare muscle-related condition and is dealing with a lot of pain issues herself, so she empathizes with Cathy's situation more so than most. Her husband has retired specifically for the purpose of researching and trying to cure his wife's illness. I look forward to spending more time with them in the future. We have a fair amount in common, despite the differences in educational background and financial status. I find that the older we get, the less difference that makes, at least when you're dealing with "real" people.
Off to work now, I'll get to my 1st Little League game (maybe games by then) later.
Carolina's loss in the national semifinals was absolutely devestating, and I'm still trying to get over it. Not just because they lost, but because of the way they lost. Fortunately, baseball is in full swing and I have been so distracted by all that entails that I have very little time to think about it.
When I do, it's very disheartening. It's like I wrote a while back about the Patriots' loss in the Super Bowl - the worst part is that this team had an incredible season and their performance in that game is all that will be remembered. They fought through the loss of Frasier, the #2 point guard, for the season. Then they fought through losing the #1 point guard for a big chunk of the conference schedule. They beat Duke at Cameron. They swept through the ACC tournament. They manufactured several of their trademark comebacks during the year, including one for the ages against Clemson. They even made one of the biggest comebacks in tournament history against the Jayhawks last weekend, but couldn't sustain it. They just never quit, which I believe is a testament to Roy Williams and the character of the teams he puts together.
I never have figured out what went wrong that night. Roy puts all of the blame on himself, of course. Says he didn't have the team prepared and focused. They definitely were not prepared and focused, but I doubt that Roy Williams left anything undone that would have prevented this. The team apparently was just a little too pressured. It seemed as though they were so intent on winning it all that the thought of not doing so scared them, and that fear forced them out of their game. They were playing not-to-lose, instead of playing to win.
As a fan, it really hurts because these seasons don't come very often. We've been fortunate enough to have gotten very close several times lately, and did win it all in 05. The fact is, however, it takes a few breaks and a ton of talent to even be in contention for a national title, and when you get so close you always have that thought there - "How long before we get this shot again?" Some people say "well at least you're not like UCLA, 3 Final Fours in a row, and not even an appearance in the title game, much less a title". Maybe they're right. I tend to say that I'm just thrilled when we get to the Final Four, and an appearance there is a victory in itself, and UCLA should be damn proud of getting there 3 straight times. But 3 straight losses in the semi-final would be very discouraging. That really must feel like a wasted opportunity, even more so than the Heels' futility this year. So I will say it once more - it's something I spent entire decades saying as a Red Sox fan - Next Year!!
I just hope Tyler comes back.
And Now For Something Completely Different -
I mentioned last post that there was health news. It wasn't that much. Just that the wife's chemo was postponed till Monday and this was after her usual week off that comes every 4th week. This all added up to about 11 days with no chemo and she was feeling very well for a change. We bought flowers Sunday. Whether they will get planted before they die is another question, but I'm glad she was postive enough to get them and believe she would be able to get them in the ground. I really should plant them myself, for her, and will if I can ever get a break from all of the pre-season crap around the Little League complex that didn't get done pre-season because of the weather. Now I'm having to deal with it all around the games being played and it really slows the whole process down.
We also went out to dinner with a couple that I do some work for. They are very interesting people, both doctors, very intelligent, and just good company. This may not seem like a subject to bother writing about, but when you're going through chemo, any day she feels well enough to get out and DO something is an event.
We had been planning this dinner for the past 3 Wednesdays but every week that would turn out to be a day that Cathy just wasn't up to it physically. I also imagine the posponements were influenced a little by her not feeling real sure about this meeting. She didn't know them as well as I do, and she doesn't seem to enjoy meeting new people as much as before the cancer. I'm sure the fact that they are both doctors and neither of us even went to college was a little intimidating as well. The long break from chemo, however, seemed to allow her to get to a point where she felt like she could be good company, so we went for it this week. She really enjoyed herself, as I was sure she would, and connected very well with them. The woman has a very rare muscle-related condition and is dealing with a lot of pain issues herself, so she empathizes with Cathy's situation more so than most. Her husband has retired specifically for the purpose of researching and trying to cure his wife's illness. I look forward to spending more time with them in the future. We have a fair amount in common, despite the differences in educational background and financial status. I find that the older we get, the less difference that makes, at least when you're dealing with "real" people.
Off to work now, I'll get to my 1st Little League game (maybe games by then) later.
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